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The Relationship Effect: Why Couples Stop Having Sex

It is commonly said that when you’ve been in a relationship for awhile, the sex becomes… well…absent. But the reason why why couples stop having sex is actually an easy problem to solve. Allow me to explain…

My ex-boyfriend Mark and I started out like rabbits.

We had sex every single day. Literally. He was just so damn good at being romantic…

The aggressive, sexual ass slaps. The massages. The random candle-lit dinners when I came home from work. The dirty talk, flirting, and foreplay. They all created an insatiable appetite to have sex with the man.

But after a couple months, things started to change…

Mark became lazy. I would come home after working my ass off all day to a dirty house and more work to do.

Make dinner? Check.

Take the dog out? Check.

Clean the nose hair trimmings off the bathroom sink (btw ew)…? Check.

And while I continued working my ass off to do all these things, AFTER my 9-5 job (really more like 9-7), guess what Mark was doing…?

Sitting on the couch, watching football or playing video games.

It was absolutely annoying.

But it got worse: on top of being just lazy in general, Mark started getting lazy in the bedroom, too. Sex became robotic. Consistent. Expected. I knew when Mark wanted to have sex, he would do one of two things:

Option #1 – Say, “Hey, let’s do it,” then start taking off his clothes.
Option #2 – Roll over in bed, kiss me for ONE minute, then quickly undress me and slip it in.

And after just a few months of this scheduled, passionless, boring sex… Mark and I went from f*cking like rabbits, to abstaining like Catholics.

(I know, it almost rhymed… but not quite)

You get the point.

I was bored. I was exhausted. And to be honest, the person who was supposed to bring joy into my life was actually the person who was tiring me out the most — Mark. 

What bothered me MOST was the fact that he stopped putting effort into the relationship altogether. I was doing all the work, and receiving no romance in return. So I did what I had to do: I broke up with him.

There can be a lot of reasons two people lose the passion and stop having sex. But in my experience, I have come to find that the main factor is how much “work” both people put into the relationship.

You can define “work” a number of ways — but relationship work boils down to one thing: what you do to show someone you love them.

Depending on the kind of person you or your partner are, that work might be doing favors for one another. It might be physical touching. Giving gifts. Dedicating time to each other. It might even be as simple as reaffirming them with your words.

Either way, once you identify what kind of ‘work’ your relationship benefits from the most (there’s an awesome little survey to find this out), keeping the spark alive becomes easy. Personally, I value someone who does little favors for me the most. Coming home and finding out that my man picked up my dry cleaning or took my car in to get an oil is one of the sweetest, most romantic gestures he could do. The more he does small things here and there for me, the more I want to jump on him the moment he comes in the door.

That’s probably why my desire to have sex has remained consistent — in a good way — with my current boyfriend. A year later, and he’s STILL doing little things here and there for me whenever he can. He’s also super romantic physically. In return, he gets lots of ‘lip service’ and sex.

Here’s the thing: relationships require work from both ends — meaning your girlfriend should be putting in the same amount of effort as you do. But a little work can go a long way. So don’t throw in the towel too early — keep up with the effort, and you’ll be rewarded.

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