Last month, I visited a new city with some guy friends. It was our vacation time and an opportunity to go out for a few nights of fun.
We saw some live music, ate epic food, and visited a bunch of bars. Everywhere we went we were surrounded by beautiful (and seemingly single) women.
Throughout the trip, I saw my (also single) friends checking out a lot of girls.
Now I’m not one to pressure guys to “man up” and talk to every girl they may find attractive…but after the 10th time of seeing one of my friends check out a girl and do nothing about it, I decided to offer him some support. Let’s call him Dave.
I said, “Let’s go talk to her and her friends. I’ll do the introductions and you can come join me.”
And that’s when Dave told me one of the most common lies I hear from guys…
“I’m not trying to talk to anyone today. I’m just hanging out with my friends.”
I felt exasperated. Clearly, he was into her. Clearly, he was paying more attention to her than to his friends anyway. I’m sure it’d be worth taking five minutes away from us if he ended up getting a great date with her.
But it’s not just Dave I’m calling out — I’ve encountered this situation so many times.
Men go out with their buddies to restaurants, events, bars, whatever. They stay comfortable and always just socialize with each other. They don’t talk to women usually because those friends don’t, either.
When you do this, you’re missing out on some amazing experiences.
I’m not saying you should always be “hunting” for women with your friends. But, having fun while hanging with your friends can create some of the easiest, most organic opportunities to meet women. You also have a safety net – when you want a quick getaway or some support, you’ve got people who care about you close by.
Always saying, “I’m just hanging out” is an excuse because you’re scared. Here’s why I know that and how you can start meeting women while out with your friends.
Why I know you’re making excuses
I must sound like an arrogant dick. How dare I assume what Dave wanted? Maybe he really did just want to chill.
Sure, that could be true. But when this is recurring behavior, I start to get suspicious. But also, I have more than enough experience and indicators that tell me otherwise.
I’ll use my friend for reference, but I see these same patterns in a lot of my clients.
Each day, Dave said he just wanted to hang out. But then throughout the days, I’d see him looking at multiple women, multiple times. Sometimes, he’d point out a woman to the group and make comments about her attractiveness.
While we sat at a bar or restaurant, I noticed him swiping on apps like Tinder. He’d be trying to chat up women online while there were eligible women all around us! It feels so commonplace now to see people trying to meet others digitally while the real world is right there, passing them by.
Moreover, I know that, like most young men, Dave has read lots of dating and self-improvement advice online. He also watches porn with beautiful women, like most guys do.
So from all that, I knew he wanted to connect with some women. And unsurprisingly, on the last night of the trip, he cracked. He’d seen me chatting with lots of people and dropped the act.
He asked me, “Well, if I did want to talk to those girls, what would I say?”
I gave him some ideas and we ended up having a good time talking with a group of women. Fifteen minutes later, I looked over and saw him making out with the girl he liked.
Now you tell me…
Dave hangs out with his friends all the time. They go out together dozens of times every year.
Do you really think he regretted losing that time with us? Does he read all those dating tips just for fun? Is he watching those gorgeous women in porn because he’d prefer to keep them a fantasy?
Would he regret talking to that girl if she ended up being a long-term partner or even his wife?
Of course not!
That’s not a hypothetical, it happened to me. I met my wife at a bar solely because I got the courage to talk to her. It was the greatest decision of my life and I’ve never regretted it once.
Dave was only able to have that experience because he finally admitted to himself, and to his friends, that he wanted to do it. And that’s the first step you need to take, too.
Admitting to yourself
I think a lot of men have a hard time admitting they want to meet women in those moments because they’d eventually have to act on it. Then if they couldn’t act on it, they’d feel like a loser in front of their friends.
But that couldn’t be further from the truth. Admitting you want more for yourself, even while terrified, is a sign of courage — not weakness.
The men who constantly pretend like they don’t want to meet women (when they really do) are the epitome of insecurity. They’d sacrifice personal fulfillment for the protection of their ego. They’d prefer to stay safe and avoid judgement rather than be happy.
They’re the ones who will constantly lose out in life. They will miss out on meaningful experiences and connections and hinder their personal growth.
The man who at least admits he wants more can start to make progress, however slowly. Acceptance of change is a necessity for change.
As for feeling the pressure of having to approach…that’s all in your head. Just because you acknowledge you want to meet women doesn’t mean you need to do it RIGHT then or to every single woman.
This isn’t a race. You can take small steps. You can take your time. You can chicken out of a bunch of approaches.
Every big change takes time. It requires trial and error. It is riddled with missteps and temporary failures.
All that matters is you adopting that belief that you want to meet women. If that is deeply important to you and you’re willing to work towards it, you’ll get there.
“Sucking is the first step to being sorta good at something.”
Admitting to your friends
Once you admit your true feelings to yourself, it can be even harder to admit them to your friends. Telling them that you want to meet girls while hanging out with them can be especially challenging if they aren’t very social themselves.
You may feel like they’ll think you’re weird or predatory. Or that they will judge you and make fun of you the whole time.
That doesn’t have to be the case, though.
You have to first understand that while your friends may not introduce themselves to new women, that doesn’t mean they’re against it.
Because again, deep down, every man wants that opportunity. We all want to find great partners and to have amazing romantic experiences. We all want to connect with women we desire because it’s a basic human need.
Other guys are sometimes challenged when they see you doing something they wish they could do. Your friends might feel insecure or threatened at seeing you seizing dating opportunities because they’re struggling to take action.
It’s likely that your friends are also just as nervous as you are. But if you can inspire them and even eventually help them, you’ll add tremendous value to their lives. You just have to present the idea the right way.
So telling your friends about your intentions comes down to being humble about it, taking the pressure off of them, and putting them in a position where you need their help.
Basically, empower them and once they see you making progress, they’ll often want to join in, too. Let’s talk about how to have that conversation…
Having the “I want to meet women” talk with your friends
The first step is to tell your friends you want to do this for yourself. You want them to feel no pressure that they have to participate until they want to.
Don’t frame it like you’re trying to pick up girls. That only gives them ammunition to make fun of you for trying to be some suave player.
Instead, let them know you want to start meeting more people organically. That can be because you’re frustrated with online dating and feel that it hasn’t produced any good connections. Or you can be truly vulnerable with them and say you’ve struggled to be social in the past and you want to gain more confidence.
When you come from a place of humility, real friends are more likely to support you and not feel intimidated.
You can do this before you guys go out or even in the moment. If you want to give them a heads up, say something like “I want to push myself to get more comfortable socializing with women.” If you’re already out, you can say, “I really want to introduce myself to that girl over there and try to talk to her.”
From there, let them know how they can help. It could just be that you need moral support if things don’t work out exactly as planned. It could be that you want them to hype you up when you see someone you want to approach.
You could even play the money game where you give them money (let’s say $60) and you get $20 back each time you introduce yourself to someone. They keep whatever money you don’t earn back.
This is about you to start with — so don’t call out your friends if they aren’t ready and don’t rub it in their faces when things go well. The best thing you can do is slowly gain more experience and let them see how much fun you’re having. Many times, they’ll soon drop their guard and want to meet new people with you.
Once your friends show that hint of curiosity, you can invite them to join you. You can share what’s been working for you and even offer to take the lead the first few times.
If you’re lucky enough to have friends who regularly talk to women, ask them for help. Show them you’re impressed by what they do and want to learn from them. They can be your wingman and start by bringing you into their conversations.
Follow the steps above and you should have the support of your friends. They may not always approach with you but they will be there for you.
In rare instances, you may encounter some friends who refuse to support you or even try to sabotage your growth. This is an unfortunate reality I’ve dealt with myself.
There are just some people who can’t overcome their own insecurities. They may be jealous of your progress and want to keep you down with them.
Your best chance is to let them know you don’t appreciate the way they’re treating you. If they care about you, they’ll realize their wrongdoing and lay off.
If they don’t, then I would focus on meeting women with other friends. I may even reconsider the friendship overall. Real friends want the best for you. They don’t have to join you, but they should be there for you.
I had some old friends who could never accept my personal development journey and I had to walk away for my own good.
How to put this into practice
This article wouldn’t be complete without some guidance on how to start meeting women practically. I want to give you a few core steps to make that happen while with your friends.
- Take the pressure off of yourself. Anxiety stems from obsessing over the future or being stuck in the past. Like I said earlier, this isn’t a race. You don’t need to be perfect and you can slip up in the pursuit of getting better.You’re not less of a man if you’re too nervous to seize an opportunity in the moment. Let it go, there will be infinite chances. Praise yourself for even thinking about trying, then go back to hanging out with your friends and enjoy yourself.
- Empower yourself with better body language. When we’re scared, our body language presents that to the world. But if you intentionally change your body language to showcase confidence, your mindset will shift to mimic that body language. Basically, you can make yourself feel strong and capable with just a few small tweaks.Get excited before you go out. Dance your ass off while getting ready or listen to your favorite pump up music in the car. Play a game of table tennis with your friends. Do whatever makes you naturally loose and expressive in your body.
Try power posing before you go out or even at the venue. Go to the bathroom at the venue if necessary. This is where you hold a confident pose for two minutes. It’s scientifically backed to make you feel powerful and strong.
Finally, read up on the basics of confident body language. Build a habit of keeping your body open and standing tall. You can consciously do this while talking to your friends. If you’re closing off your body and keeping your head down while out, you’re going to have a hard time doing anything.
- Take the smallest steps you need. Learning to be more social follows the same process as building any other skill. You need to be patient and take your time.Just focus on making small, consistent efforts towards your goals. You can make eye contact across the room, you could say something in passing, you could talk to someone for one minute and then leave. You could talk to the least intimidating new person around you.
You don’t need to immediately be holding 30 minute conversations with beautiful women. Setting the foundation and chipping away at your bigger goal will get you there before you know it.
- Replace your anxiety or fear with more empowering emotions. When we feel an emotion, we can’t just turn it off. We have to replace that emotion with another emotion. So if you want to start meeting women, you have to let more encouraging emotions fuel you.Most guys stay stuck worrying about the approval of other people. They only think about how to impress new women. They stress about sounding stupid or being rejected.
Instead, you need to be present in the moment. Be mindful of your feelings. Have an opinion. What do you want to share with these girls? Have you read anything interesting lately? Is there anything you’re curious about? What do you think is cool about them?
You need to let your curiosity and enthusiasm wash over you. Let those powerful emotions inspire you to approach women with the right mindset to connect with them on those subjects.
Make those moments as fun as possible with your friends. Bet each other money, talk to people together, and challenge each other with different games. The more you enjoy yourself, the easier it will be to take action.
Meeting people with friends can be one of the easiest and most memorable ways to do so.
You can be each other’s wingmen and have each other’s backs. You can laugh over situations and create unforgettable stories or connections. You can all raise each other up and become stronger, together.
Stuff like this is what friends are for.
Want to make some new friends and meet women together? Grab one of the last spots at my upcoming confidence retreat.