Remember that one time you were driving and asked your girlfriend to Google the movie you wanted to see… put that house address into maps for directions… maybe even Yelp the restaurants you were debating between for dinner?
Without even thinking, you handed over your phone over unlocked. She instinctively opens the Chrome browser — and that’s when it happens. The moment you’ve dreaded since puberty:
“SHIT….my girlfriend saw my browser history.”
That’s right. In an innocent attempt the search the “PG” content of the internet, your girlfriend was exposed to your dirty, big-boobed, blonde-squirting-bukkake filled browser history you never intended for her to see.
You were caught, lotion-handed.
She stares at you in horror as you watch her go through the stages: surprise, embarrassment, shock, and anger. And it ends on quite possibly the worst stage of all — the one where her self-esteem plummets fifteen points… (as loud moaning and screaming blasts through your phone’s speakers).
Her eyes are glued to the screen as she watches that blonde pornstar — the ridiculously hot one without an ounce of cellulite on her ass — in a sexy schoolgirl outfit get pounded by some dude with an unrealistically large dick in a gymnast- level-flexibility position that you’re sure hurts like hell.
You try to grab the phone, but she out maneuvers you and continues watching (#DriverProblems). After 60 long, drawn out seconds of pure mental torture, she finally puts the phone down. You brace yourself for the inevitable: a big fight.
How the hell am I going to explain myself (not that I should have to, but I kinda do)…?
Let me rephrase that:
How the hell am I going to explain myself to my pretty, NOT blonde, small-chested, average-body typed girlfriend, who I am madly in love with?
Why couldn’t this have happened on a day when I beat it to an average chick eating spaghetti off her tits?
It just had to be one of the really hot ones…
Let’s face it: all guys watch porn to get off. Single guys, married guys… hell, even your grandpa is probably still beating his shriveled meat.
The severity and damage of the situation can vary widely, based on the ‘level’ of porn she caught you watching. On the low end, we have innocent male-female scene with regular looking porn stars. On the higher end, we’re looking at Asian bukakki gang-bangs with a BBW thrown into the mix. And possibly some hardcore bondage. Maybe even a midget.
But whatever the case, there are ways to successfully handle this tricky situation. We have you covered.
First, you need to understand what’s going through her head. And it’s not good. Here’s what your girl is thinking when she sees your fap material:
I’m not hot enough. I feel like he’s cheating on me. He’s a porn addict. I look nothing like her. Is THAT his type? Is THIS what he’s into? He doesn’t love me….
The list literally goes on for days, but bottom line: she feels hurt.
It’s almost as bad as your mom walking in on you banging your high school girlfriend. Now, if you’re with a casual or more progressive chick, this may not be an issue (just like sex wasn’t an issue if you had a casual or progressive mom). But there’s a good chance your girl isn’t ‘chill with it and is about to go apeshit. So what do you say to temper the sting?
Option #1: Deflect/Denial (warning: NOT RECOMMENDED). What you can say:
Babe, I’m just doing research on the progression of feminism for my women’s studies class [insert any class you can think of, but if you blurt out Econ be prepared to back that shit up quick]
Obviously that’s just a pop up, porn is disgusting and degrading towards women (optionally add: want to go get Froyo?)
I don’t even know when that’s from (only works if there’s an old/no upload date), I never watch porn; it makes me feel bad (optionally add: I just imagine it’s you struggling to pay off your student debt and my dick immediately goes limp).
I feel like I suck in bed and thought maybe I could learn a thing or two. I didn’t even touch my dick.
Wow, we should go by the AT&T store, I think my phone has a virus, I’m so glad you found that. I hope they didn’t steal my credit card info.
While it’s quite possibly the WORST thing you could do, deflecting is still nonetheless an option. But be warned: it’s really just a bandaid on an injury that requires stitches. Girls can totally sense when you’re making up a bullshit excuse… so proceed with caution, or change your approach.
Option #2: Provide Solid Justification. What you can say:
A 2009 International Journal of Law and Psychiatry paper found that porn did not have any “ill effects” on the mind and there was an inverse relationship between porn viewing and sex crimes.
Harvard Medical School released a publication, which found men who ejaculate at least 21 times a month have a 33 percent lower risk of developing prostate cancer.
A study in the Archives of Sexual Behavior found a positive correlation between porn viewing and a male’s perception of the opposite sex, sex life, and quality of life in general.
In the Modern American, there’s an entire study on how porn helps “demedicalize” female sexuality. Basically I’m a feminist for watching porn.
Hey, jerking off to porn is NOT cheating, after all. You are certainly allowed to do it if you want to — just make sure you can back yourself up with legitimate justifications. This is better than deflecting, however, it can still cause conflict between you and your girl. The fact is justifying your actions this way mitigates her feelings and concerns. She might walk away from the situation feeling even more hurt. Which is why we recommend the final option…
Option #3: Own It (RECOMMENDED). What you can say (note — you may want to walk away and let her breath for a few minutes before manning up):
Listen babe, you were out of town (points if you can remember the exact dates) and I was horny. This isn’t some regular thing. I would MUCH rather have sex with you…but that wasn’t an option.
I’m sorry it upset you; it’s just what guys do. I know it looks bad but it means nothing. It’s like scratching an itch. But if it really bugs you, I’ll cut the habit.
To be honest, I’m glad you saw this… we should probably talk about our sex life. I’ve been frustrated. I feel like you don’t wanna do it with me anymore. I love you, but you always reject my advances…
I know it feels shitty, but think about it: how is it any different than you reading/watching 50 Shades of Grey? I don’t you to be a pornstar any more than you want me to be Christian Grey…
Tell her you love her. Tell her she’s the real woman that you desire. Make her feel better about herself — remember, this was a huge blow to her self-esteem. Added bonus: tell her you can talk more about it if it really bothers her and that you barely ever do it anyway so it’s not a big deal.
I leave you with one final reminder, gentlemen: your three best friends are Incognito mode, clear browser history, and close all tabs. So treat them better than an acquaintance.
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