Most men want to marry the right girl and have a happy marriage. Unfortunately, these days, it usually takes two or three times for any union to actually stick. The chances of your first marriage working out are about as good as the Cubs winning the World Series. In other words, bet against yourself if there’s a pool going.
In the face of such discouraging numbers it’s hard to feel optimistic about the whole prospect. How do you overcome the many hardships that plague a modern couple and lock down the woman of your dreams the first time around?
Sure, you could follow advice from men’s journals that promise to make you a better partner:
“10 Chores Every Man Should Do”
“Unlock Your Feminine Side”
“Save Your Relationship 101”…
Unfortunately, reading those is like putting bandaids on the Titanic to keep it from sinking. Too many external temptations exist that make these thoughtful endeavors near futile.
Ultimately, you must strike at the core of the issue: Your age.
Twenty or thirty is far too young to tie the knot. In fact, so is sixty or eighty. Your best bet, and the only surefire way to ensure your marriage doesn’t end in front of Judge Judy is to wait until you’re ninety years old to get hitched. It’s that simple.
Not convinced? Here’s seven reasons why you shouldn’t get married until you’re ninety years old:
#1: YOU NEED RIGOROUS SEXUAL TRAINING
Practice makes perfect. Ask any professional ping pong player or crocodile hunter. This golden principle applies to all of life’s enterprises: from useless activities like math, to practical ventures like learning to drive a car.
What no one wanted to tell you as a kid — because they would have been arrested — was that you should practice having sex, too. And, according to leading scientist from Brazil or somewhere, you should be practicing for at least seventy years before you get married. A rigorous sexual routine leading up to your senior years will bolster your playbook of sensual maneuvers and keep all the appropriate muscles chiseled and ready.
You might be thinking, “can’t I sleep with my wife for seventy years and achieve the same results?” And the answer: No. It’s a scientific fact that after fifteen years of marriage your wife will not have sex with you.
Spare yourself the misery and wait until 2076 to get hitched. At ninety, you and your wife will be so desperate to get your last lays in that nothing but the Grim Reaper himself will be able to tear you apart.
#2: AGING IS CRUEL…DON’T MAKE SOMEONE WATCH IT HAPPEN TO YOU
Everyone gets old. There’s no shame in it. What is shameful, however, is making someone watch you get old. That is exactly what will happen if you marry young. Your wife will watch everyday as old age beats the shit out of you. A roundhouse kick of fuzzy eyebrows here and a punch of the paunch there, until the day you die.
Do the noble thing and spare your dream girl the agony of watching you slip into a gray and grizzled version of your once attractive self. At ninety, the maturing process will be nearly complete, eliminating noticeable developments in your dilapidation. No surprises. No disappointments.
#3: YOUR WEDDING PARTY WON’T BE A DIVORCE PRE-PARTY
Every new marriage ushers forth a year of constant bickering and resentment known as “wedding planning.” During this time, you and your fiancé will prepare for marriage by arguing and despising one another’s presence. A particularly cumbersome portion of this time will be spent designing the guest list.
You’ll want to invite a bunch of people she hates. She’ll want to invite a bunch of people who don’t drink (and that’s a major problem). Fights will ensue. Names will be stricken. Strategy will replace romance as you fortify your armies for the glorious battle ahead and the seeds of destruction are planted for your marriage before it even began.
Spare yourself the misery. At ninety, all of your friends will be dead and you won’t have any family left to invite — meaning your wedding planning and invitation sending will be as easy as pie. Maybe you can invite Mike from the VA or the guy at the gas station who cleans your windows. It really doesn’t matter.
A sample email invitation may read like so:
Me and Ruth are getting hitched. You can come if you want. Feel free to bring someone, anyone, or no one. We don’t really care. No dress code. Bring beer. Love you.
P.S. No babies
#4: NO NEEDLESS STORYTELLING
No one wants to listen to your stories. That’s a fact of life. But, what they want even less is to listen to your stories a thousand times. Especially the one about how you bowled a perfect game, even though you had an itch on your finger. Your wife — should you marry young — will be the main victim in this never-ending onslaught of regurgitated anecdotes. The constant repetition will drive her to either leave you or to punch you right in the kisser. Probably even both.
Spare her the misery by marrying late. This will provide you with ample time to stockpile stories. Rather than spending sixty years boring the hell out of your main squeeze with the same old yarns about college, get out in the world and create a plethora of fascinating tales worth sharing.
If the dementia hasn’t kicked in too hard, your wife will actually be impressed by the quantity and richness of your many fascinating tales. Who knows, she may even want to sleep with you after her Soaps are finished.
Here’s a sample of what your stories should sound like by the time you get married at ninety:
Me and my good friend Vincent Vega were fishing in the Amazon. We were having a few laughs, drinking some beers when all of a sudden this crocodile head emerges from the water. But we quickly realize it’s not a croc at all — it’s a Nazi submarine DISGUISED as a crocodile.
I get my fishing pole ready and toss my lure straight at him. You know why? Because I tied a stick of dynamite to the end of my line. Seconds later, KABLOOEY! The whole submarine blows up. Vince and I start laughing our asses off because we realized that we didn’t even have fishing licenses. Then, we went had fresh soft-shell crab for lunch…isn’t that somethin’…
Really, what’s the point of being married when you work? You wake-up every morning before the sun rises, take a cold shower alone, drink some coffee, give your wife a stinky morning-breath kiss and then part ways for the day.
On the drive back, you fight traffic for hours and then have to stop off at the ‘gym’ (a.k.a. the bar). You make it home just in time to help out with dinner and have your “first beer” of the night. You eat on the couch while watching reruns of Scrubs. The chicken tastes a little undercooked, but neither of you has enough energy to to do anything about it. You make love with your socks on. Neither of you finishes. And, this is how it goes for the next fifty years of your marriage.
Working life and married life are not symbiotic, so don’t force two opposing worlds to coexist. Instead, wait until you’ve retired and had around thirty years to enjoy life without work or a spouse. At the ninety year mark, you’ll be ready to spend every waking moment with the new (also old) love of your life.
A healthy marriage requires plenty of napping. Nearly 99.99% of all marital strife occurs when people are cognizant, so do what’s best for your relationship and take a nap — lots of them.
Napping in your thirties or forties proves difficult. The barrage of responsibilities, social engagements, and couples therapy will leave you with little time for afternoon dozing. At ninety, however, with little on your plate and no one telling you what to do, you’ll have plenty of time to drift away into slumber. And, your marriage will thank you for that.
#7: OFFSPRING ARE OFF-PUTTING
To truly thrive, there’s nothing a marriage requires more than a healthy absence of kids. An environment devoid of these feed holes liberates a couple and allows them to do what they want, like walking around naked and yelling at the TV.
Unfortunately, many couples in their twenties and thirties forget that their personal lives will be irreversibly altered by creating offspring. The temptation is strong, as little kids are cute and provide great leverage during a divorce.
However, the allure of little whippersnappers is totally eliminated in your nineties. The urge, much less the possibility of reproducing, vanishes. Instead, you can focus your energy on lovemaking, napping, and telling stories about how you reinvented the Polish language. Those are the activities that truly make for a resilient domestic alliance.
Of course, your holidays will be sadly devoid of family and their constant bickering. And, no one will fight over your last will and testament.
There you have it, a conclusive and irrefutable list of facts that would lead any sane or rational person to avoid the whole possibility of marriage until the DMV takes away their driver license.
If nothing else, your postponed marriage will serve to improve humanity by lowering the divorce rate. Because, to be completely honest, what would even be the point of getting a divorce at ninety? In one fell swoop, you’ll secure your own happiness and make the world a better place for generations to come. All you have to do is try and stay alive that long.
Originally Written by : Morgan Rock Loehr
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